Tonight I Wanna Cry
by Usagi of Feudal Moon Era
Summary: ‘Usagi is your family,’ a voice ringed in my head. ‘She’s all you’ve ever needed since then and she’s all you will ever need. She’s your destiny’ ‘I can’t need her,’ said a second voice. ‘If she dies on account of me, surely we weren’t meant to be.’


_Okay. For those of you who follow my Sailor Moon stuff, I know this is my third time posting this story but I as I was looking over some of my fanfics last night, I realized how much better this fic could be and I started getting ideas on how to make it better. I may be re-writing some of my other fics too. If this is your first time reading this fic, it's based on the song "Tonight I Wanna Cry" by Keith Urban therefore the title is not of my own imagination either. I also don't own Sailor Moon. This is a fanfic. FANFIC!! Not the original.

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Tonight I Wanna Cry

"Bye Mamo-chan," Chibi-Usa called as she left my apartment. I gently closed the door behind her; the click of the door echoed throughout my empty apartment. I shuffled into the living room and, hoping for a distraction, I flipped on the TV. I grabbed an open bottle of Merlot from the fridge and sat down on the couch. It was the same bottle of Merlot I shared with Usagi only a week ago. Granted she wasn't quite old enough so I only let her have a bit. After all, I did spend all day preparing a five star dinner. That was the before the dreams and the visions. When life was so much simpler and happier.

The TV didn't help so I turned it all the way down; it didn't occur to me to turn it off. At least with the sound down, my thoughts could wander. As they did, I took a swig of wine.

Turning my gaze away from the TV, I caught sight of the picture on the end table. We both looked so happy. Especially Usagi. Her eyes looked so bright and happy. _I_ had taken that away. I saw her happy disposition evaporate when I hurt her. Her perky nature was replaced with tears on account of me. I turned away, ran my hand through my already tousled hair and then turned back toward the picture.

I gingerly picked it up and held it as if it was a priceless heirloom, running my finger over Usagi's face. It was so hard to remember her that way. The only memory of her that seemed to haunt my mind was her walking out the door of my apartment…and my life.

It was as if a huge bubble started rising in my chest and my eyes began to prickle with tears, but I wiped them away. I couldn't cry. The only time I ever did was when I lost my family. That was when I swore to be tougher.

'Usagi _is_ your family,' a voice ringed in my head. 'She's all you've ever needed since then and she's all you _will _ever need. She's your destiny'

'I can't need her,' said a second voice. 'If she dies on account of me, surely we weren't meant to be.'

I tried to reason with the multiple voices in my head but they didn't seem to stop.

I finally settled on turning the TV off. There was a romantic movie on. Instead, I settled on the radio. Surely that would help.It didn't. The radio was playing one of those cheesy break-up songs. As cheesy as they were, I didn't realize how hard they hit me until now. I turned it off too. For a while I sat staring at the wall. I couldn't take it anymore. The same scene of Usako walking out of my apartment, tears stinging her eyes, would not leave my mind. I had to try to remember some happy memories but I couldn't. That same scene kept playing over and over again like a broken record and then I made a decision. If I was going to wallow in self-pity then I could bring back some memories of happier times than me killing Usako's spirit.

Before I knew it I was digging through my closet and found that old shoebox. I slid the lid off and peered at the contents: slightly crumpled letters to me from her. Nothing big. Just short little letters letting me know how much she cared. She never really gave them to me face to face. When I wasn't looking, she would slip them into books that I was in the middle of reading or in a cupboard in my kitchen. A few were left on the coffee table after I fell asleep on the sofa. Upon remembering that, I came across such a note.

_Mamo-chan, I left this note so I wouldn't have to wake you. You look so cute when you sleep, I couldn't bring myself to wake you up. I'm going to walk home. Mama and papa will start to get worried and I think papa already has enough reason to dislike you._

_Yours forever, Usagi._

I never liked it when she did that. It was late and I would always feel better if I drove her home. After expressing that to her, she just laughed, saying that she was the champion of justice and if she could battle youmas night and day, then surely she could handle a little walk home. I would then proceed to remind her that without my excellent timing to save her, a lot of those youmas wouldn't have been defeated. Now I have no reason to protect her because I was the one who hurt her. What right do I still have saving her from the enemy?

'You don't want to let her go,' chimed up that first voice again.

'But you have to,' interrupted the second voice. 'There can't be a future with her if she's gone from this Earth.'

The voices that had just begun to quiet down started their arguments again; each throwing in their two cents before the other had even finished one cent. Trying to ignore the voices, I opened another note.

_Mamo-chan, I did a lot of thinking today and I just want you to know that I love you more than anything in this world. I think in all our times of teasing, deep down, I enjoyed it. Every day I consider myself the luckiest girl in the world to have found you again._

_Yours forever, Usagi._

Was that the last letter she left me? Yes, it was. It was left under my plate that night I cooked us dinner. I turned the letter over, noting a dark brown spot. The soy sauce stain was even there to prove it. Two days after that night I told her what that first little voice in my head had been urging me to take back since.

Staring at the paper, feeling the memories resurface like old wounds re-opening, that bubble rose again in my chest and the higher it rose, the more watery my eyes became. I pushed the bubble back down and returned the letters to the shoebox. I had to find comfort. I had to find relief. Then it came to me. The night sky had given me solace since before I can remember. The quiet nights always made me feel at peace.

I shuffled onto the balcony and allowed the crisp spring air to caress my face. Adjusting my gaze upward, hundreds of stars glittered in the sky like tiny jewels catching the light. I waited for the ease to come and pull the weight off my shoulders...but it didn't come. Shifting my eyes toward the moon, I understood why. It was as if the moon commanded all the stars, ordering them not to console me. That this was my own problem and they shouldn't take any of the hurt away because I deserved what I was feeling. The moon stared down at me, changing its expression of command to one of pity and a single raindrop fell in the path between me and the moon but my gaze did not falter. More raindrops came, making the moon appear as if it was crying. Destiny was crying. Deciding that destiny would have more pride than me, I finally let the bubble rise out of my chest and escape.

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_Thanks for reading and please leave a review. Reviews make me sing and dance and you'll get a little something too._


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